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Quotes From The Steaming Up Books

From Book 2: Eulalia objects to Andeccles' attitude (Michael's POV)
“Oh, I say! You are enchanting, aren’t you my dear. A saucy, sonsy little sausage I declare. And a lieutenant at that.” He lifted and kissed her hand, she curtsied for him. My stomach turned. 
“I must ask, are you our evening's entertainment?” He smiled, winked and his hand reached forward and touched her breast. She looked down, then up into his face, took a half step back, grabbed his wrist, ducked underneath it, twisting it back over his right shoulder. Her boot kicked his right foot from beneath him and he fell flat onto the floor on his back. A split second later her right knee landed squarely on his chest, winding him, and half a second after that she was holding a knife at his throat. 
“That would be a ‘No’.” said Wallington. “Lieutenant Featherstone is attached to our team as an agent. She has a particular set of skills. A courtesy from an influential third party. I suggest you do not consider her to be an object for your amusement. In fact, I believe your life depends upon it.”

From Book 2: Eulalia rescues a footman from the ruins... (Eulalia's POV)

Then I felt the floor move. There was a good chance it was going to collapse. I heard some voices from below calling. I think the firemen were thinking the same thing.  

As the footman was not just property and I was being watched by those below I decided it best to attempt to save the man. I let him put his arm around my shoulders and we made our way to the gap where the side wall had been blasted away.  

The floor moved again so without hesitation I pushed the man over the edge and swung myself around the outside of the brickwork to start my decent.  

He screamed as he fell, then I heard a ‘boing’ sort of sound and was most surprised when he momentarily reappeared beside me.  

“Thank you!” he called, just before plummeting again.  

I looked down to see that the firemen were holding a trampoline type apparatus. Sadly, the firemen seemed to have had insufficient practice at catching falling people. The young man missed the centre and his neck hit the metal frame of the trampoline. His neck snapped, but conveniently his limp body was flung off to one side into the rest of the rubble.  

I decided to continue to climb down rather than attempt jumping. 

From Book 1: Eulalia examines the saucy lingerie of her latest victim... (Eulalia's POV)

She had some rather strange underwear. A firm lacy bodice with dangly bits with hooks and buttons. I was not too sure what they connected to. Perhaps they strapped the women to their seats during flight? That did not seem correct because the dress would be in the way. Maybe, somehow, they attached to the very soft and sheer stockings? I could not see how. Then there was a small and very lacy band with a little red heart sewn into it, but that only fit the upper leg so I could not see the purpose of that. It did ping across the bedroom in a satisfying way so maybe it was a WRAF-issued blinding device of some kind? Unlikely. 

From Book 3: Eulalia saves Michael, again... (Eulalia's POV)

I knew what that meant. The enemy had brought up a heavier weapon and were about to shoot at us through the wall. Fadden stepped to the side of Lady Taunton, placed a hand behind her head, a foot behind hers, and pushed her to the floor, covering her body with his. He was a gentleman.  

I, on the other hand, felt that the most efficient means of bringing Captain Browning down was to kick him squarely in his whirligigs, which I did. When he was doubled-up I simply pushed him to the floor. It was most satisfying. 

From Book 2: Only the gay assassin dogs carried out their mission... 

“What was the alternate plan? How did that fail?”  

“We h-had agents at all stations on alert with instructions to assassinate the party. Our S-Sarajevo agent spotted them. He used eight assassin dogs, all trained to attack as a pack. But apparently, one was a bitch on heat, and it ran away, followed by five of the other dogs. Only two of the dogs actually engaged the party and they were shot before either could succeed.”  

His Lordship stood stock still, left eye twitching, as he gazed at the lawn in deep thought.  

“W-we believe the two attacking dogs were homosexual which is why they had little interest in the, uhm, lady dog.” 

From Book 3: Eulalia tackles assassins... (Eulalia's POV)

I could not take the chance that the masks they were wearing were not bullet resistant, particularly with my little palm pistol, so I shot the nearest man in the back of his leg.  

He gave a yelp and released his grip on Fadden. Fadden managed to grip the second man’s arms while I leapt upon the first with my boot knife to finish him off. I tried stabbing him in the neck, but this man was quick and wearing a thick leather jacket. My knife slipped off and the force of his punch sent me back to the floor. 

But the fool must have assumed that I was temporarily disabled. My training had given me the reflexes I needed and even before he turned back to Fadden, I had sprung up again. I did slip a little and so my next leap was a little low. However, I turned this to my advantage and stabbed the man upwards into his crotch. 

The man was most discomfited by this attack. 

From Book 1: Michael sees an old robot. (Michael's POV)

“That's not a battle robot?” I asked. 

“Battle? Good lord no sir. Zis device is civilian, not military. It vos attached to the North Vest London Police Force. One of the forty or so ‘Persuasion’ suits zey keep for community policing there. You vill notice that ze barrels on ze arms are short and stubby, meant for rubber bullets only. Zese machines are far too small for military applications.” 

“Too small? Police? Heck! I’m persuaded already.” I squinted through the tan coloured rain toward the guns. “Rubber bullets, you say? So, it must have been relatively harmless despite its...” 

“Harmless?” He laughed. “Oh no. Vot vould be the point of zat? No. No. No.” He shook his head. “Vith a rate of fire of vell over a thousant rounds a minute, one ov zese machines could clear a street in seconds. Most effective. Particularly against peaceful demonstrations. It beats as it sveeps as it cleans…, as they say.” 

From Book 3: Assassins strike at sleeping soldiers... 

As [the nurses] walked along the line of beds each reached into their bags and pulled out a grey disc, placing it on the head of a sleeping soldier.  

Within seconds of the disc being placed, there was an almost inaudible crackle and a hum as the battery discharged high voltage into the victim’s brain. By the time the women had got to the end of the dormitory the smell of burning flesh, and the sound of the soldiers’ death throes, woke the final few. They sat up, still groggy, to see the nurses smiling at them. It was the last thing they saw. 

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From Book 4: Eulalia makes a fat duchess walk the plank, in an airship! (Eulalia's POV)

Then her weight overcame the nails and she, and the plank, disappeared from view.  

I poked my head out the window and looked down. She was still upright and struggling to push her dress down to cover her modesty. Stupid woman. If she were to let the air fill out her dress like a parachute, she could probably double her remaining life span. Then again, would an extra ninety seconds of freezing fanny be worth it? 

From Book 1: Michael is escorted through Lord Granville's mansion. (Michael's POV)

We passed a picture of a well-endowed young lady in a billowing dress. It looked like she had a steam-powered breast-supporting device under her bosom. I wondered if it had a ‘bobbing’ option. That would certainly befuddle the old farts! I could imagine her at a fancy cocktail party talking to a Lord something-or-other and when she wanted him to agree with her, she’d activate the breast bobber and he’d be seen nodding his head in time with it. I couldn’t help but snort at the thought. 

From Book 2: I want these in my apartment... 

On a side wall, a painting of a sailing ship opened its gun ports, fired off eight cannons with eight discreet cracks and little puffs of smoke. On the opposite wall, a picture of eight French frigates upended and sank beneath the waves.   

The time was eight o’clock. 

From Book 4: Eulalia has captured a Spanish Duke (Eulalia's POV)

“You... You are the She-Demon?” He was surprised, as had been many of my previous victims.  

“Marine, detach this compartment partition. Lieutenant, fetch some nails and then we’ll move this party to the embarkation door.” I extracted the cutlass to deter the duke from attempting something rash. “Yes, Duck Greasy. I am indeed Commander Porter. Welcome aboard my airship, the Dodgy Dodger.” 

We unlocked and opened the embarkation door. Biting, freezing air flooded the gondola. The sound of the propellers beating the air outside added to the frigid atmosphere of the occasion, but the crew inside did not complain. They were amused to watch the fate of a privileged nobleman. It took a few minutes to nail the door to the edge of the decking such that the other end stuck out into the slipstream.  

I prodded the duke until he stood on the edge of the partition with his back to the open doorway. 

“I’ve always wanted to force a prisoner to walk the plank. Let us play at pirates, shall we?” 

From book 2: Newspaper Ads (Michael's POV)

A couple of adverts had me laughing out loud. One was to do with ‘Rubber Extensions for the Organ of Masculinity.’ It ‘fits like a glove’ and, apparently, was made ‘in the best possible taste’. I wondered what flavour, mayonnaise perhaps but not brown sauce I mused.

Then there was the ‘Kiss Those Painful Haemorrhoids Goodbye’ advert which nearly made me fall off my chair.

From book 2: Newspapers have flavours (Michael's POV)

“Major. Why is this newspaper advertising itself as being ‘Brown Saucy’?” I asked.

“It’s the flavour of the ink, for when the paper is used to wrap fish and chips,” he replied. “As the paper soaks up the grease it imbues it with the essence of brown sauce. It is much appreciated by workers. The Daily Looking Glass tastes more like vinegar, The Stellar has a more red-sauce flavour, and The Daily Female is more like mayonnaise.”

“And the Times?”

“Don’t be absurd.”

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