GUR Beckham | MartynAdams

Godalming's Unfamous Residents

Beckham Jones

Godalming's least successful Student Counsellor.

Born: March 18th, 1994 in Guildford, Surrey.

Died: ...not just yet.

Biography

Beckham 'Beckers' Jones was living with his girlfriend in a small rented apartment in Tuesley Lane, Godalming, when he nearly attended Godalming College in September, 2010. He lost his way on his first day. Realising that this was an inauspicious start he decided to write a book of advice (based on his experiences) for other students and co-habiting friends. The book was to be called "The Handbook of Helpful Hints for Guys, Like" but was never completed.

Extracts from the "The Handbook of Helpful Hints for Guys"

From the section: General Tips

Plastic combs can survive dishwashers, even when they're set to 50 degrees C, and they come out looking pretty clean too. (I wonder what temperature they melt at?) Manky combs don't do your hair any favours. So, when you go home or to your girlfriend's house and you get lumbered with loading the dish washer take advantage and slip your comb in too. Just make sure you unload it before she sees it, otherwise you're in deep shit and it’s the sort of thing girls don’t forget.

There are 4 main types of mustard. American mustard isn't - throw it away. French mustard is the best. It tastes nice and is not too hot. German mustard still has a taste, but is quite hot and only suitable for disguising the horse meat in pork sausages or lasagne.

English mustard is not a food at all. This is a common mistake made by plebes. It is the culinary weapon of choice for all discerning cooks and gardeners. If you see the neighbour's cat pooing on your lawn, go outside and make friends with it. Ensure no-one is watching you. Stroke it gently and point it in the direction of your neighbour's window. Put a finger in the jar of English mustard and cover it up to the first joint. At the right moment stick your mustard covered finger up the cat's arse, count to three, then release. With a good aim the cat will fly through your neighbour's window, and I guarantee you won't be able to stop smiling for quite a while after. It's also great for livening up those dull dinner parties too. For Christ's sake remember to wash your hands after. That's another one of those things’ girls don't forget.

From the section: Impressing Mates and Girls

You do need a cupboard to hold small shot glasses and tall glasses. Get one.

Spirits always taste better from a shot glass. Plastic ones is naff and reusing cups only shows everyone you’re a tight-arse. So, make sure you have a few shot glasses in a cupboard. They're easy to nick from the local pub.

Wine tastes nicer out of a wineglass, but wineglasses break easy and the glass bits are a real pain when they end up in the sofa or on the carpet; especially if you try a bit of shagging in front of the TV and bits get stuck in her back. You won't be able to tell if she's screaming in ecstasy or agony. It can be real nasty and the blood stains don't come out of furniture easy either; making it look even more rubbish.

Particularly if your parents or the police pay a visit after. Furthermore, girls don't tend to forget stuff like that, and you end up losing benefits.

Wineglasses are only necessary if you accidentally invite classy girls around to your place, but as classy girls aren't usually shag-friendly, then, unless they're going to bring their own wine - forget it. Wine can be drunk out of the bottle or maybe mugs.

Brandy tastes nicer from a brandy glass but you're a knob if you don't drink it straight from the bottle. If you're trying to impress mates then shot glasses will do. Beer can be drunk from tall glasses too, just like old guys do in pubs, but it’s better to look cool and drink it from the bottle or can.

Orange juice and milk tastes nicer out of a tall glass but not if served together. If you're really trying to impress someone then coffee looks really classy if served out of a tall glass. Girls like that, especially with ice and a cocktail hat in it. Don't put veg in a coffee drink though, it ain't Pimms – whatever that is.

If you need to serve coffee but have run out of milk, pour black coffee into a shot glass and add spirits (e.g. whisky, brandy or that bottle of weird stuff that no-one really likes). This really impresses girls as well as your mates. Recommended.

Before your next party, nick a few of those sachets of ketchup found in cafes. Cut a hole in your girlfriend's favourite soft toy (the smaller ones are best), poke them in and then sew it up again. When you judge the time is right you take out the toy, accuse it of treachery, then stab it (or if it's really small, stamp on it). With enough force the toy will 'bleed' everywhere and you'll come across as being a real cool hard-nut, at least until she realises what you just did. Sadly, she probably won't forget but it's a really great way to break up with her in front of your mates.

Snorting lines of salt to impress, won't – Trust me.

From the section: Cooking

Never, ever, ever, fry food while naked.

Never, ever, ever, French a tub of frozen ice cream.

Never, ever, ever, French your girlfriend after eating pickled onions.

Never think erotic thoughts while cooking either. It's more difficult to approach the cooker, and bloody dangerous when it comes to chopping veg.

Wear glasses when removing hot stuff from the oven. Admittedly they do steam up, but they protect your eyes and eyelashes from the sheet of flame when you open the door. Also, if they steam up grey then that's a good sign. If they steam up brown then I suggest you prepare yourself for some emergency culinary surgery (find the scraping knife). But if they steam up black then don't bother continuing any further. Just close the oven door and phone for your favourite take-away.

Before opening the oven door make sure you're wearing the right gloves too. Those cool 'leather' ones you wear when driving the car are simply not suitable - they take ages to scratch off the door handle afterwards and the remaining bits that are stuck to your fingers (and sometimes the meat) just don't look right – especially if they end up in the salad. Furthermore, if you're serving up pizza, bits of burnt glove are difficult to detect amongst the other bits of burnt topping. Although one can usually improve the flavour with lots of brown sauce.

If you can, keep a saucepan of cold water nearby for those flaming 'eyebrow' moments after opening the oven door. If you have guests, they will probably find it quite alarming to hear you screaming and/or watching you run to the bathroom with your hair on fire.

From the section: Recipes

Fish Fingers on Toast (serves one). Don't make if drunk or hungover. Extract three frozen fish fingers straight from the packet and stack them on their side, one above the other, in one side of the toaster. Toast. When done, extract the three fish fingers and replace as before but in reverse order so that the bottom one is now on top. Add a slice of bread in the other side. Toast again. Extract slice of toast and butter it then, with GREAT care, extract each fish finger (use at least two forks) and place GENTLY onto the buttered toast. If one of those effing fish fingers broke in the toaster - serves you right for not grilling them. Otherwise: Yum!

Don't forget to switch off toaster before poking around with the forks. Electric shocks bloody hurt and for some reason girls don't like white guys with frizzy hair.

Do not use your toaster to reheat pizza slices. Toasters hate pizza. Toasters will melt the cheese off then burn the base. After that malicious act of treachery, they'll need so much cleaning you’d best just throw the toaster away. However, if you're trying to find an excuse to be dumped by your girlfriend...

For the same reason always add cheese AFTER you've toasted bread.

Despite the heady advance of technology and the incredible usefulness of mobile phones, onions are still very pretty bad news. When cutting raw onions do not sniff them, or better yet, do not sniff at all. In fact, do not cut onions. Replace them in their wrapper and throw them out the window. The 'Intelligent Designer' is asleep on the job and even after a thousand odd years, 'He' has made no progress in making the design of the onion more user friendly.

From the section: Romance

If you're at a party and fancy a girl there, then checkout her eyes. If they're droopy then you're in. If they're not, and she's not drinking alcohol then you need to seduce her with a Bunny. A Bunny is a seduction drink invented by an Essex dude who kept rabbits. Take a tall glass, put a shot of fruit juice (blackcurrant is good). Add a shot of lime. Add a shot of vodka and top up with lemonade. Put an umbrella in it and she (probably) won't notice the vodka. Get her dancing, she'll drink it quicker. For the second one, do the same but use two shots of vodka. For the third one use three – and when she's finished that lot, she'll have had six shots and be giggly. Go for it.

If she isn't giggly at that stage then you might as well just give her a bottle of vodka.

Don't keep sachets of mustard in your bedside drawer. Ever.

If it's dark and you're about to shag, reach for a condom but instead extract a sachet of mustard... well let’s just say the cold sauce will at first confuse her. Then she'll smell it and probably run outside screaming. Then she'll see it and jump to the wrong conclusion and you'll never live it down. Her mates will hate you too.

Explanations never seem to work in these circumstances.

Ketchup will probably have a similar effect.

From the section: Living with your partner

A slice of cheesecake is a real treat if it's served cold from the fridge after a good night shagging. Serve with a giggle at three in the morning. Girls love it and think it's romantic.

Packets of crisps might be cheaper but they don't work half as well. Especially if you take them back to bed.

Don't show your girlfriend's dad your collection of flavoured condoms. It doesn't work, no matter how drunk he is or how much you think you need to bond.

If your girlfriend ever starts talking about God, wait for the right moment then point out that he created the universe so he must be an extra-terrestrial alien. Then point out you don't subscribe to UFO cults. If you time it right you'll be able to watch the footie on TV uninterrupted, provided you can ignore her dark looks. Don't expect a shag soon though.

A cup of tea usually tastes nicer if she makes it. If it doesn’t, add sugar until it does, but then ask yourself if she's starting to hate you - and, is that really just tea?

If you have an argument with your girlfriend before dinner, get a takeaway. Whether she cooks or you cook, either way, you'll lose.